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Sound of mobile phone ringing



Narrative

ANNIE

Hector. [Yes?}. Please could you pass the salt?

HECTOR

Yes.

ANNIE

Hector. [Yes?]. Please could you pass the pepper?

HECTOR

Of course.

ANNIE

Hector.

HECTOR

Let me guess. Can I pass the sugar, coffee, tea.

ANNIE

Actually I was going to say we should talk.

HECTOR

So now you want to talk to me! It’s only been a week!

ANNIE

I was hurt!

HECTOR

Well you hurt me too.

ANNIE

I didn’t go out with Eunice!

HECTOR

I didn’t go out with Eunice!

ANNIE

Yes you did! And you stayed out ‘till three o'clock in the morning!

HECTOR

There were other people there too.

ANNIE

Who?

HECTOR

People who work on the programme.


ANNIE

You mean other women who work on the programme.

 

HECTOR

Yes and men, why not? Eh?

 

ANNIE

I knew it! So, who is she?

 

HECTOR

Who?

 

ANNIE

The other woman.

 

HECTOR

There is no other woman!

 

ANNIE

Huh!

 

HECTOR

Annie, listen. [Sound of mobile phone ringing]. Oh, excuse me. Hello. Ha, ha-ha, hi Debbie. And how are you? Ha-ha. Good. Erm, OK, that’ll be OK, perfect, see you then. Bye.

 

ANNIE

So was that her?

 

HECTOR

Who?

 

ANNIE

Debbie. The other woman.

 

HECTOR

That was Debbie from the make-up department, confirming my call time for tomorrow.

 

ANNIE

Oh! Some excuse!

 

ANNIE

Hector.

 

HECTOR

Yes.

 

ANNIE

Please could you pass me your fork?

Here, I’m going. You can have my dinner!!

 

Sound of door slamming

 

Sound of laughter

 

BRIDGET

You should have seen Eunice’s face! Ha-ha-ha! She was furious!

 

HECTOR

When Eunice gets angry, she is a very scary lady!

 

Sound of laughter/sound of mobile phone

 

HECTOR

Oh, hello. Yes. Excuse me. No, no. Erm, bye, Bridget.

 

BRIDGET

Oh. All right Hector. Bye.

 

HECTOR

Hola, Lola! Ah!

 

Sound of door opening/closing

 

BRIDGET

Guess what?

 

ANNIE

Prince William wants to marry you?

 

BRIDGET

I know that! No! I’ve got a promotion!

 

ANNIE

That’s nice.

 

BRIDGET

Nice? Nice? It’s fantastic! I am editor of Channel 9 Live! Eunice is no longer my boss!

Is that Hugh Grant? It’s Bridget Evans here. Call me Gigi, editor of Channel 9 Live. Are we still on for lunch at Claridge’s today? Oh, fab! Ciao! [Sound of laughter]. Eunice is so jealous!

 

ANNIE

Now that is good news.

 

BRIDGET

Annie, what are you doing?

 

ANNIE

I’m doing my own editing.

 

BRIDGET

Why are you cutting out photos of you and Hector?

 

ANNIE

Because Hector is no longer my boyfriend.

 

BRIDGET

Really? Why?

ANNIE

Because he is having an affair!

 

BRIDGET

Really?!! Who with?

 

ANNIE

Well, I thought it was Eunice, but now I think it’s Debbie.

 

BRIDGET

Well I just heard him on the phone to Lola.

 

ANNIE

Lola? Who’s she? Hah! Eunice, Debbie, Lola, ha, he’s women mad!! Aah!

 

BRIDGET

Ooh!

 

BRIDGET [Composing email]

Guess what?! I’ve got a new job! I am editor of Channel 9 Live.

 

BRIDGET

It’s fantastic! I am editor of Channel 9 Live!

 

BRIDGET [Composing email]

Eunice is no longer my boss.

Oh – and I overheard Hector talking to ‘Lola’ on the phone …

 

HECTOR

Hola, Lola!

 

BRIDGET [Composing email]

Very suspicious!

 

ANNIE [Composing email]

Hector is no longer my boyfriend! I’m sure he is seeing someone else.

First, I thought it was Eunice.

 

HECTOR

I didn’t go out with Eunice!

 

ANNIE

Yes you did and you stayed out ‘till three o'clock in the morning!

 

ANNIE [Composing email]

But now I think it’s Debbie.

 

ANNIE

So was that her?

 

HECTOR

Who?

 

ANNIE

Debbie. The other woman.


HECTOR

Hi Nick.

What are you doing?

 

NICK

I am not doing, I am being.

 

HECTOR

Oh. What are you being?

 

NICK

Can’t you guess?

 

HECTOR

A man on the toilet? A Sumo wrestler?

 

NICK

Can’t you see? I am an egg.

 

HECTOR

Oh, of course, you are an egg.

 

NICK

Now, what sort of egg am I?

 

HECTOR

Hard-boiled.

 

NICK

Hah!

 

HECTOR

Scrambled.

 

NICK

Scrambled?!

 

HECTOR

Fried.

 

NICK

Nearly! [Hmm?]

Poached!

 

HECTOR

Oh yeah. Of course, you are a poached egg.

 

NICK

Yeah.

 

HECTOR

Well you’re making a mess on your bed! Ha-ha-ha!

Anyway, why are you being a poached egg?

 

NICK

It’s my new acting class.

Total Being.

 

HECTOR

Oh, what are you next week? A piece of wood?

 

NICK

A piece of wood?

 

HECTOR

Yeah, then it would be wooden acting!

Anyway, can poached eggs talk?

 

NICK

Don’t be silly! Of course poached eggs can’t talk.

 

HECTOR

No, no, I mean, when you are ‘being’ a poached egg, can you talk?

 

NICK

Oh yes, anyway, I want to stop now, my arms are hurting. Ah! Agh!

So, what do you want to talk about?

 

HECTOR

It is Annie.

 

NICK

Eh?

 

HECTOR

She thinks I am having an affair.

 

NICK

Who with?

 

HECTOR

Eunice.

 

Sound of whistling

 

HECTOR

And Debbie.

 

NICK

What? Two women, Hector! Ha! You cheeky thing!

 

HECTOR

But I am not!

 

NICK

Oh, so tell Annie then.

 

HECTOR

I have, but she doesn’t believe me.

NICK

Why not?

 

HECTOR

I don’t know.

 

Sound of mobile phone ringing

 

HECTOR

Oh, Excuse me. Hola, Lola. Ha!

I’ll take this outside. How are you, Lola?

 

NICK

So, it’s not Eunice, it’s not Debbie, could it be – Lola?

 

Traffic noise

 

ZEUS

Hey, hey, stop, please!

 

ANNIE

I knew it! It had to be a selfish man driver!

 

ZEUS

Please, I have a voucher.

 

ANNIE

I, I’m sorry, I’ve started, so I’ll finish.

 

ZEUS

Look I am Zeus, why are you so angry?

 

ANNIE

I’m not. I am just doing my job – Zeus.

 




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